


Love

by LeeGale



Series: Tokyo Heroes [10]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Christmas, Fluff and Angst, Hehehe, Kinda, M/M, Pining, Sad with a Happy Ending, love letter, more hopeful than happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:26:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24304387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeeGale/pseuds/LeeGale
Summary: Kaneki makes a mistake
Relationships: Amon Koutarou/Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise
Series: Tokyo Heroes [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1691059
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	Love

Kaneki woke up a few hours later, tucked up in his bed. He stayed like that for a while, unwilling to leave the safety his sheets provided him, but the sound of Akira asking Annushka to check on him forced him to his feet. After what he'd done, he didn't want to see anyone, but he knew the girls were probably worried... He opened his door just in time for Annushka to blink in surprise up at him. He forced himself to smile, but the expression must have not quite been right, because Annushka gently took his hand and led him to the kitchen. That just made him feel worse. Not only was he a terrible friend (he'd let Koutarou think he'd be okay with just sex! That was a dick (pun intended) move!), but he was also failing as a paternal figure, making his girls worry about him just because he went and got his feelings hurt. It was his own fault, he was the one who-

"You look like shit," Akira commented, frowning slightly. Kaneki shrugged, still tired and suffering from a severe headache. That made her frown more, but she didn't say anything about it, pushing a glass of water towards him as she changed the topic, "The girls and I opened our presents whilst you were sleeping, and I forced them to eat."

Kaneki nodded, barely paying attention as his head swam from a combination of pain (he always suffered awfully after crying), regret and sorrow. He'd messed up. Koutarou wouldn't want anything to do with him, he'd hate him, he-

"Amon called whilst you were asleep," Liliya suddenly piped up, and Kaneki instantly focused on her, "He wanted to apologise. Told us to tell you that he understands if you hate him and that he didn't mean to overstep."

That made Kaneki's heart ache in his chest as he groaned. Koutarou had nothing to be sorry for. It was his hangups and issues that got them into this mess, not Koutarou... The girls seemed to understand that he still wasn't feeling too great, so they headed to the living room, but only after making sure his presents from Akira and Koutarou were on the table next to him. 

Kaneki... He wanted to reach out, to tell Koutarou that he wasn't at fault, that he hadn't done anything wrong, that it was Kaneki who had messed everything up, but he didn't know how to. Koutarou was his  _ mate _ , but he was also so much more than that. He was Kaneki's friend, his partner from work, one of the few people that accepted him, flaws and all, the love of Kaneki's life-

That was just it, wasn't it? Kaneki loved Koutarou. So much it hurt... But he knew that he didn't stand a chance. Koutarou deserved the world, not a broken alpha with too many hang-ups and issues for anyone to handle. All of Kaneki's exes had told him as much, going into detail about how much of a pain in the arse he was to date, how useless he was, how much of a waste of space he was, how annoying and hurtful his trust issues were, how- A ding from Kaneki's phone distracted him, and he grabbed it an attempt to shut his brain up, but the message he saw made his heart ache...

** Koutarou: I apologise for over-stepping any boundaries. I did not mean to hurt you, and I completely understand that you hate me. I do not blame you. I hope we can still be friends, but am willing to leave you alone if that is what you want. Goodbye. **

Kaneki knew he'd messed up. Koutarou was never that formal... He found himself typing out and sending a reply before even thinking.

_ Me: It wasn't you Koutarou. I messed up and flirted with you when all you want is sex.  _

Barely a second passed before his message was marked as read, but it took a few minutes for a reply to come through...

** Koutarou: I'm confused. **

** Koutarou: What do you mean? **

Kaneki hesitated before sighing, typing out an answer and sending it before he had the chance to regret it.

_ Me: I'm sorry. Can we forget that today ever happened? _

** Koutarou: No! What do you mean? Why does it matter if I 'just want sex'? What does that mean? **

Kaneki's heart froze in his chest, but he ignored that as he pushed his shaking fingers to tap across his screen. Hesitation made him pause. He didn't know if his message was good enough, or if Koutarou would really care or- He pressed the send button, forcing down his fear.

_ Me: Koutarou, please. Drop it. It doesn't matter. _

Kaneki's phone rang not even thirty seconds later, and he answered, already building his walls again.

"Ken, what do you mean?" Koutarou's scared and hurt voice came across the line, and Kaneki's heart ached. All he wanted to do was go back, to before he'd flirted, to before he'd messed everything up, to before he'd done all of this-

"Koutarou just drop it. Please," Kaneki sounded tired as he spoke. He was, really. So tired. Of hiding his feelings, of knowing he wasn't good enough, of Koutarou not loving him, of living, of the nightmares, of the pain, of  _ never being enough for anyone- _

"Ken, I- Don't shut me out. I'm sorry for flirting with you. I get that you didn't want it, that you don't want  _ me,  _ but-"

"I do want you!" Kaneki cut Koutarou off. He bit back a sob as he let himself fall face-first onto the kitchen table, "I do... Just... Not only the way you want me..."

Koutarou was silent for a long moment, and that was all the conformation Kaneki needed. He forced back another sob and opened his mouth to speak, but Koutarou's quiet voice cut him off, "How do you think I want you?"

"Just sex, obviously," Kaneki scoffed, heart aching at the reminder that he wasn't enough, that Koutarou would never love him, that- Koutarou laughing made Kaneki's hackles raise, and he snarled out a pained, "Don't laugh at me. I get it. You just want to fuck, and I want more, so-"

"Wait, Ken, that's-"

"Just leave me alone," Kaneki growled, and Koutarou's small intake of breath at the other of the phone made him feel guilty. He'd never spoken to Koutarou like that... He pushed through, although his voice was a lot softer this time, "Just... Give me some space. I'll get over it and we can ignore that this ever happened. Please. Just... leave me alone."

"Ken, I-"

Kaneki cut Koutarou off again, his voice dull and pained, "Please, Koutarou. Just... I'll call you. I need some time. I... Don't come to my place. I'll see you when I'm ready..."

"Ken-" this time, Kaneki cut Koutarou off by ending the call and turning his phone off. As his phone dropped from his hand, the first of the tears started to fall. Soon, he was curled in on himself, sobbing quietly. He didn't know if they could come back from this. He'd told Koutarou how he felt... The omega would hate him now, even if he pretended not to. Koutarou wouldn't intentionally hurt him, but they'd never recover from this. Kaneki had messed up. He fucked them both over and it was all his fault and-

He hit his head against the table once, twice, three times, then sat up. He couldn't think about that. He needed to get it together. He needed a distraction, so he wouldn't spiral. He needed- to unwrap his presents? Yeah, that could work... He looked over at the pile of presents Akira and the girls had left on the table. It felt... wrong, to open them for some reason. But he needed a happiness boost, and it may have been the last time he ever received anything from Koutarou... He sighed before grabbing the closest present, checking what the tag said. It was from Akira... he tore the wrapping paper open, not bothering to care about the mess just yet, and pausing at what it saw. It was... a ring set? They were identical and pretty basic, just a pair of silver rings with small hearts engraved into them... They came with a note. He grabbed the note, frowning as he read it...

** Kaneki, **

** You and Amon are so in love with each other that it's kinda painful. So, I figured that, when you dumbasses figured yourselves out, you may like something to show you care. The rings are promise rings, because I remember you mention that you'd love to give him one if you ever got together. And even if you don't use these, they're cute, right? **

** Akira. **

Kaneki's heart squeezed at the unintentional reminder that he'd messed up, that Koutarou would never love him, that-

He forced himself to focus on the next gift, wanting to get through them and distract himself. It was from Akira again and removing the wrapping paper revealed a small photo frame. It was painted black and silver, swirls that intertwined and danced around an unfamiliar picture... It was Kaneki, Koutarou, Liliya and Annushka, all curled up and cuddling on Kaneki's couch. he could remember that day. Halloween. None of them had wanted to go out to celebrate, so they all crashed at Kaneki's for a horror movie night... Kaneki ached again, knowing that he'd fucked everything with Koutarou up and that such night would never happen again... He'd messed everything up and ruined it and-

The next present was from the omega in question, and Kaneki hesitated before carefully pealing the wrapping paper off. He had to get through it. He couldn't just let the presents sit, untouched, and he knew that if he didn't open them now he never would and-

It was a gun. Specifically, it was the steampunk gun Kaneki had been eyeing that day when they ran into each other, when getting presents... He was surprised that Koutarou had remembered that he'd liked it, and that he'd actually brought it! Something in the alpha both throbbed with agony and warmed with love. Even the thoughts of doubt that lingered at the edges of his mind couldn't stop him from appreciating the fact that Koutarou had cared enough to get him the gun, that he'd paid enough attention, that he  _ remembered _ ... Kaneki moved the gun to the side carefully, vowing that, even if Koutarou wanted nothing to do with him anymore, he'd keep the gun safe and secure... He looked back at the table and saw that one present and a card remained. He hesitated before grabbing the present, carefully tugging off the wrapping paper. He blinked in surprise at what he saw...

It was a dagger. But not just any dagger. The blade was a perfect silver, except for where there was a line of engraving in the centre... The engraving said "Property of Kaneki Ken, provided by Amon Koutarou. Forged by hand, with love, just for Ken" and was filled in with black. Kaneki's heart skipped a beat, even as he logically knew that Koutarou only meant platonic love... Right? Of course. He had to. there was literally no way he had actual feelings for Kaneki... It was a pretty dagger, even ignoring the blade. The hilt was pitch black with green accents. Simple, but pretty... Kaneki wished his feelings for Koutarou were like that. Simple, but pretty. But they weren't. They were complicated, difficult, impossible to have returned... He-

Kaneki forced himself to set the dagger down and grab the card. The familiar writing on the envelope told Kaneki that it was from Koutarou. Although, it did feel a little heavy for just a letter... The alpha ran a nail under the seal flap, carefully opening it. He reached in and delicately removed the card, but something falling out of it made him pause. Koutarou's cross necklace... It made no sense. Why would Koutarou's cross be in there? He never went anywhere without it... Did he... Did he want Kaneki to have it? If so, why? Why would he give it to Kaneki? Why would he give something that mattered so much to him to Kaneki? Why? It made no sense! It-

Kaneki carefully scooped up the necklace, considering. Koutarou couldn't have possibly put it in there accidentally, so he must have wanted Kaneki to have it... The alpha hesitated before carefully pulling it over his head. The chain was so long that he didn't even need to unclasp it and put it on that way... He left it on, feeling both confused and warm, as he opened the card and started to read.

** Ken, **

** I don't know how to tell you this but I have to say something. I just... You mean everything to me. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you, so please don't hate me for this. I just. I need you to know that I love you. **

** Damn, I love you. Not just as a friend, though. In the romantic sense. I know I've been flirting with you a lot, but it's more than that. It's so much more than just flirting or just sex (and don't argue. I know that you probably think that my flirting is just because I want sex and nothing else. You never let yourself believe that anyone would have a romantic interest in you) because I love you. I love you so damn much that it hurts. And I know that you don't feel the same but I wanted to tell you. **

** I put my necklace in here. I know, it's presumptuous of me. And I know, you don't feel the same. I know that, for you, it would just be sex. That you have feelings for Touka. But, on the off chance that you do return my feelings... Wear my necklace the next time we see each other (if I'm not there when you read this. I probably won't be, because I plan on flirting more when I come to see you and you've been pulling away so you may send me away) or put it on if I'm still with you when you read this. I just wanted you to know that I love you. Even if you hate me or want nothing to do with me anymore, I just needed you to know.  **

** I'm sorry. I know that you don't feel the same way, but I had to tell you. Don't feel pressured to return my feelings. I know you don't. I just needed to tell you. Some small, selfish part of me hopes you like me even a little bit, but I logically know you don't. So. I'm sorry. **

** Love, Koutarou. **

Kaneki didn't even realise he was crying, not until the words in front of him began to blur together... He'd been wrong. He'd been so wrong, and Koutarou loved him! Koutarou- Oh no. He'd been such a dick. Holy shit. He'd hurt Koutarou. The omega was probably freaking out. He had to fix it-

"Wait," Akira's sudden voice distracted Kaneki. She was frowning, watching him closely as she leaned against the doorframe, "You can't talk to him yet."

Kaneki blinked in surprise, so Akira sighed and spoke again, "He told me he was going to give you his cross and send you a love letter. And you just said aloud that you need to talk to him. But you can't yet. He's hurt. He needs space. And you need a proper plan, so you don't mess up again."

Kaneki hated to admit it, but Akira was right. He frowned, looking down at the letter, before being struck by an idea. He could... Yeah, that would work. Probably. Hopefully. And it would be pretty romantic... He nodded to himself, looking up at Akira.

"I have an idea," he stated, voice firm and something burning behind his eyes, "I'm going to need your help."

Akira eyed him for a long moment before smirking and nodding, asking what she could do...


End file.
